and I am well.
Why do I love Fiber One cereal so much? hahah its’s so good!
has a funny way of making you reminding you that you are human. You think for a certain length of time that you are superman, that you have everything under wraps, and then things go all topsy-turvy and you don’t know which way is up, and you fight with yourself and try to make the best of the current order of things. All of this, while the people around you seem like the sharpest tools in the shed. It’s almost like life’s telling you: “You aren’t hot shit, get over yourself fast.”
I feel something like this now. Not exactly, but close. One of my most treasured possessions is my college transcript. I know that sounds super lame, and perhaps to some, it’s nothing special. I like to think that at least for me personally, it’s a lot more symbolic than anyone else might give it credit for. At the same time, right now, it doesn’t seem like my performance this semester will do it any justice. Last semester I did superb, pulled straight A’s practically out of my ass, and I thought I could do it again this time. I know I can indeed…none of my classes are amazingly difficult, but I just don’t feel like the drive or the stamina is there. I want to catch myself before things become irreversably messy in school.
I only have a couple semesters left after this if I plan things correctly, and of course I want to go out with a bang. But I feel like I’ve run out of bang. I guess this is why junior year is difficult. I wouldn’t say that I have been terribly social, but nor have I given my academics 100%. I mean this semester I am also working again, but my hours aren’t too insane and are actually extremely flexible. I just can’t seem to find the will to do the work to the best of my capability. I am getting by, even turning in assignments late because I know that right now they have little bearing on my grade. I have to remember the semester is cumulative. I can’t miss 5 assignments and expect an A. This is something I need to snap out of. I can pull through this semester and still do fantastic, I just have to put my mind to my work at its hardest when it matters, and when it is easily distracted. There are millions of things I could do other than doing homework and studying outside of class, but I think I just have to keep in mind my priorites, my post-graduation plans, and what exactly it is that I’m working towards. I’m not one of those people who has everything all planned out, and feels like the world is over if things change, but for now I have a pretty solid idea of where I want to be headed.
I need to remind myself that the work I have to do now is nothing like the real world and this this is just some high grade conditioning. I don’t think anyone can push you as hard as you can push yourself. Your mentality, if it is negative, can be your worst enemy, but if you have a clear head on your shoulders, I think there is a lot left to be accomplished. I hope to give myself that nudge very, very soon.
My classes are a pain this semester. I don’t want to do anything but sleep.
I think I’ll go do that now. K, bye.
I want money. [For getting straight A’s this semester]
and I think I want Zelen.
But what’s holding me back? We’re literally .. << that close to dating. He asked “Well, what is it that you want?”
the general consensus:
- a) we both like each other
- b) we both planned on being single for a lot longer than might actually occur given recent events
- c) we both want to focus on school as our first priority and are elated we have this in common.
He thinks I’m out of his league. I think, so what if I may be (which I don’t think I am personally).. I think he’s awesome.
He tells me not to put him on a pedestal, because then he can’t kiss me from up there. How freakin’ cute. Sometimes I feel like this is moving comfortably fast.
Here’s the timeline:
A) We meet at Hunter by chance, at my friends radio performance/concert.
(Post performance, the band was selling posters at $1.00 each and I overheard him say that he had no cash to buy one because he traveled from Westchester and spent his money on the metronorth. I generously offer to buy him a poster [after having bought one for myself and 3 other friends who didn’t have change] He thanks me, and gives me a hug and we chit-chat for about 3 minutes. Before he leaves, I ask him if he has a Facebook, and he answers yes, I write down his name in my phone and find him once I arrive home that night.)
B) We talk over Facebook, sharing a bunch of “omgz we shud totally hang out and talk for more than 5 minutes while we’re both sober” …we find we like a lot of similar bands, and we reminisce about the night we met, me telling him how cute I thought he was and him telling me how embarrassed he was, because he was slightly drunk at the time, in front of ‘a very pretty girl’
c) we finally make plans to hang out [a couple weeks ago] at Hunter, in the club room and watch a movie…the first of which is Coraline (<333) as well as The Orphan. I bring food for us to share which surprises the crap out of him, for the better. He tells me he’s not looking forward to Christmas because he’ll be the only one this year without a partner in holiday photos. I learn a lot of other things about him this night, including the fact he used to want to be a priest for a while. This blew my mind! 🙂
d) we talk online a few days before new years eve and he tells me his friend is having a party and invites me to be his date. There are 4 other parties I could have attended but I figured why not switch things up this year and I go to Mamaroneck to party. We have lots of fun. At 12, he doesn’t grab my face for the new year’s kiss like I wanted, but comes up from behind, grabs my waist and gives me a nice kiss on the cheek. Sweet, and innocent…but not for long. About ten minutes later, we’re tipsy, standing in the hallway making out and holding hands and the like…for a while.
e) I crash at his house that night, his parents love me instantly. Before we headed to the party, he asked them at the horribly last minute if I could spend the night there as I live in the Bronx, and they almost cut him off with a “SURE!!”, I expressed my thanks and his mother gave me a “this is your home too, don’t worry about it, no need to say thank you”. We’re both shocked as I’m the first of his friends to sleep over, never mind the fact I’m a girl. When we got home from the party, a pull out couch was ready for me. There would have been some pajamas for me as well, if I hadn’t told her that I had already brought some with me. So generous! We kiss some more, and stay up talking for a bit. He goes to his room and I crash. He wakes me up with a kiss on the back of my neck *melt* and insists that I fall asleep again because its early, and that he’s the one who has to go to the the MOMA later that day, not me. He makes us guatemalan hot chocolate, when I’m awake for real, and we watch VH1, while eating donuts his parents brought us all that morning.
f) He calls his friend to reschedule the MOMA trip because he forgot he had to go to church. Guess who goes to church with him and his 2 sisters? Yep, me. We hold hands during mass and walk back to his house alone afterward, making plans to go to the nearby beach while it’s still winter. We head to the city, him to the museum with his friend, me to Hunter to discuss Japanese Study Group stuff. Now I realized that ironically, neither of our plans worked out that day, lmfao. (Hunter was officially closed on New Year’s Day and the exhibit was sold out.)
g) Yesterday he goes to run some errands at his school (City College) and I accompany him at 12:30-ish, afterward we walk from his school to Central Park, through the park, and down past Hunter to 59th and 2nd where he had a job interview as a volunteer tutor. We grab some food, go to Starbucks after I directed us the wrong way at first, and went to Hunter to rest our legs some more and talk. He tell me his friends ask him when he’s gonna ask me out. His parents ask him when he’s gonna ask me out. His sisters (who he’s surprised actually like me) also, you guessed it….ask him when he’s going to ask me out. We leave around 9:45 pm. I get off my train, to wait for his, and as the doors close he tells me to “stop being so confused.”
It’s clear what he wants. I think it’s pretty clear what I want too. So I don’t understand the hesitation. Silly humans. I think I’ll make a move. He’s super cool, and I love his green hair that he’s soon going to dye. I’ll keep his name as Zelen though (Bulgarian for ‘green’) as long as he calls me Moushka (the super cool circus mice in Coraline). ^_^
He gets bonus points for having the soundtrack to “Les Choristes” in his ipod. WTF. I love that movie and own the dvd and sountrack and had never thought I’d find anyone else who’d even heard of the movie. Irony: He hates French! He also gets bonus points for being smart…4.0 gpa this semester, major in computer engineering, with a double minor in math and physics. But still manages to have a social life, and goes to shows. Lip piercing, eyebrow piercing, new gauges…Score! *tiger woods -pre-adultery-scandal- fist pump* ell-oh-ell
and things that you should rush in the interests of time.
When ever someone says they are doing something ‘in the interests of time’
it really means:
“I am being selfish and I want things done according to my schedule, so too bad for you”
and sometimes being selfish is the only way you can get the things you want. But other times, you just come to realize that there was more fun in the chase than there was in the reward and when you turn around and see that, and it just smacks you — you want to smack yourself.
that kind of put you beside yourself and make you speechless.
things like love can do that.
I had her class once a week for a semester. And on more than one occasion, she’s given more of a shit about my life, than most people have in a very, very long time, and not only has she used words, but actions. I will never forget the kindness that she has shown me in every single communication we have shared. I will not forget sitting in her office for an appointment and realizing that three hours had passed, many a missed call from Georgi were logged into my phone, both of us, teary-eyed. I admire her straightforwardness, and the way she doesn’t give a shit when people take note of her eccentricities and the way she spills her beverages all over her speaking notes at the beginning of every class. The way she gets chalk all over her clothes and reminds me that if I ever taught, I’d use dry erase boards no matter how many brain cells have to die from marker fumes. I’m thankful for the way that she believes in me and the things that I can do, and the aspirations that I have, and has never not even once told me that I cannot do something that I’ve wanted to do. Thank you for once again making me realize that there are genuine, kind-hearted people in the world. I won’t ever forget Saturday, November 14th, 2009 in the hallways of Hunter West, outside of her classroom as her students took an exam and we spoke in whispers. I won’t ever forget the words:
“just take it. I don’t want to hear any shit about it. Just take it and go, or else this will be weird.”
I wondered and I still wonder about what I could have done to deserve such high regard from someone like you. And I’m not so sure that I will ever find that answer, but I won’t need to as long as I can find the means to thank you as properly and as equally in return. I will not take your generosity in vain, I will do the best that I can, and I will not forget this when the going gets tough in my studies, and in my life. Karen, I won’t, and I promise. I will remember it for myself, and I will remember it for the kindness that I can only hope to possess in my own heart for others. I will remember it for the kindness that I hope you keep with you.