I’m not sure if I’m supposed to be getting my period soon, or what, but I am being very emotional right now and it sucks. I want to cry. I’m home, and I don’t want to be. I can’t stand it here right now, everyone bothers me even when they aren’t communicating directly with me. This is so unfair. No one should feel okay with not being around their family, but it seems that there are just so many things wrong between them and myself and its driving me nuts.

I wish I had some roommates, and some cash to pay rent with. I really do.
Tomorrow. Job hunt. I already know at least two places I’ll stop at: J.Crew and Uniqlo.
I hope to hear calls back soon. I don’t want to stretch myself too thin, and I just might be if I decide to work anything but Primerica right now, but I need the cash so I can get myself out of here. I already know who I’d call, and where to stay if only for a little while. *sigh* I hate feeling like the victim, or sounding like one, but I guess it’s okay if you really are. I’m not one to cry wolf, but right now it seems warranted. I don’t even want to do my homework anymore, I just kinda wanna curl up in my freezing room and cry. How pitiful.

_K.V._

So I can shove them in my bag amongst my schoolbooks.

My mother looks through my bags. STIL. And clearly, it pisses me the hell off. I’m not seven.
I walked into the kitchen this morning and saw a candy I got yesterday, in a plate. Hmm. So she looks in my stuff, and takes without asking?

The other day, I was craving Oreos and I asked my dad to go get me some on his drive back home from dropping off my nephew at his house. He gets me two 6 packs.

So I’m there, slowly savoring the fifth and my mom walks by from her room and says “Oh, can I have one?” [I can't remember if she said please or not.] She looks in the brown bag and sees the other pack of oreos and quickly takes my last from the open package and walks off.

Bitch, who the hell said you could have it? Just because I have more doesn’t mean it’s a free-for-all for you. You didn’t even ask, you just snatched the damn thing… and I was saving the second pack for school the next day. Anywhoo, I ended up eating the second pack too, and I didn’t even really enjoy it because I was so upset. Keep in mind, I didn’t even want the second pack to begin with.

This all seems like stupid little shit, and I might even come off as unkind or selfish, but you have to understand that things like this have been going on for a very long time, and recall that most often, it IS the stupid, little, moments that bother you the most about yourself and about people.

But yes, back to this thing about the bag. Maybe I really didn’t want to share my lokym (that’s the candy that was in my bag, it’s from Turkey :] ) Maybe I hope that because she took that piece, it becomes really hard to chew with the one row of teeth that she has left in her dumb little face. To think that I love this woman, because I do…. is just uncanny. No one makes me more upset about anything than she does, except for her son, but he’s just a waste of air.

I need something to deter her from  looking through my stuff, but I feel like everything will just make her want to look more frequently. I don’t really have much to hide, but it’s the fact that I’m 21 and she treats me otherwise that really seems to bother me. And not just that, but she feels that because things are in my possession, she has full and equal rights to those objects as much as I do. *sigh* That’s why there are words like ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ because not every thing is ‘ours’. I don’t look through her stuff, trying to find whatever it is she seems to be looking for. I know she doesn’t care to use my perfume or makeup, so that can’t be it.

I’m gonna shove a letter in a bag from some department store that says:

To MOM: ‘Ha! There’s nothing here for you to take bitch! Stop looking through my shit. kthnx.bye.’

So frustrating.

So in other news, yet somehow still related to this woman, is the fact that she keeps yelling at me because I don’t have a steady income. I do work, but it’s a commissions job, so no I don’t get paid as often as I would like, because I am devoted to school first and foremost. And that is why I don’t understand her logic, if there is anything logical about her complaints at all.

I am working hard in all of my classes, and taking tough ones, at that, and all she can see is ‘you come home late. your room is dirty. you’re broke’ WTF. If I could dog on you about all the things about you that bother me, I’m sure they’d be of a BIT more substance than ‘you came home at 9pm last night’. I am getting awesome grades in my classes consistently and she never sees that. Yeah I hang out, and don’t come home — because she is so negative, and I feel I must avoid her at all costs. The house is too loud to study in. I only get internet in the kitchen, so I am developing unhealthy eating habits just by being forced to work in the space where I have breakfast and dinner. [I am eating way too much at night, just to clarify.] My dad comes home drunk every night and starts singing and making a mess, being careless, leaving the stove on, all while I’m trying to read scholarly articles about colonialism and the technology revolution. You’re kidding me right?

DOES SHE REALLY EXPECT ME TO BE A PRODUCTIVE HUMAN BEING AND A GOOD STUDENT IN THIS ENVIRONMENT?

I wish I didn’t have to sound so mean. The worst is going back and reading old blogs and trying to re-understand why I post certain things I write. It is actually very unlike me to be upset, or be mean to anyone, and it makes me sad to see my reactions to some of the things that go on within my family esp and it makes me upset to know that they don’t see this. My parents don’t take my emotions seriously and then wonder why I don’t talk to them much at all. If we do talk, its not about anything really important, or deep, or astounding, or even thoughtful. I want to be a better parent for my child(ren), I really do.

I’ll start by taking note to not look their possessions when they’re in their third year of college. Live and let live.

_K.V._

So what has happened since my last post?

Ah, my dear… many a thing.
Can I mention them all?                                                    Heck no.
But…

I am single once again, and perhaps this is the biggest news of all.
Am I sad about it?                 Nope. It was mutual. again.
Are we still friends?             You betcha.

In other news, I broke a nail. I really did. It sucks. Juuuuust when I was going to head  to the nail salon.

It’s okay though. If they’ve grown insanely long once, then surely they can do it a second time. This time, I’ll count the months as they go by, but I think I will enjoy short  nails for a little while. (That is, once I cut the rest of them down.)

I just had a nutella and peanut butter sandwich. I want another, but it’s too late for that much sugar. (I already had 2 packs of oreos.)

So I’ve been on Japan overload recently and it won’t stop anytime soon, as I am the coordinator for the JLPT 3 Study Group and the Nakama 2 Kanji Study Group, not to mention Treasurer for the Japanese Media Club. I’ve also downloaded numerous albums this weekend.

By numerous, I mean:                                         a shitload.

But now I am so tired. And listening to one of my favorite Japanese groups, while one last album prepares to say hello to my windows media player. It was nice having today off. Wish I had another day of rest. Why do I do this to myself?

oh well.

nite!

_K.V._

was the one word i chose to explain this summer to my friend abroad in Bulgaria.
but enough about the summer. I’m tired to talking about that.

In local news, my idiot father bought a new car. And my mom refuses to pay for summer classes. (I checked into that scholarship thing, I can’t touch the money until October, :\)
It’s a 2010 van…. i want to say caravan, but I haven’t eve seen the thing yet, and I was too pissed to ask. He made my mom co-sign for it because he has no credit. He doesn’t even have a real income, being that he recently retired. Apparently, he is going to have to pay $400/month for this thing.

She didn’t even want to give my dad the cash for the down payment, and she seems to be even more opposed to co-signing loans for college. She claims, once again, that my college is too expensive and that I should have gone to a two-year school or just taken some classes for credit, OR, get this — just have gotten a job.

Sorry, but I don’t really like the word ‘job’. And even if what I will end up doing for a living or whatever one of those things is, is technically a job, I want to be so excited about what it is that I do, that I tell everyone I’m in the career of my dreams…or something like it.I don’t even think she’s legitimately worked a day in her life at any sort of job that requires any sort of skill short of being alive. My father, has worked very hard for all his life, I believe, and like most people, including myself had done some very not-so-smart-things with his earnings.

It is very hard to learn how to manage your money from someone who cannot manage income himself. Thankfully through work and learning, I’ve been able to see the importance and impact that a single dollar can have, and should be on the right track once I get out of this little financial hole that I’ve dug. The fact that I won’t be recieving help from my parents any longer [according to them] really worries me, and I find it to be a bit unfair. If you were not going to pay for school, could you not have set up a savings account for me, even one with 2 years worth of tuition would have been nice. Instead, you said you had such a thing waiting for me, and when I graduated high school, I found nil. Nice.

What to do, what to do. I need to fix my schedule asap but have not all the money I need to do it with such a short amount of time. I fear I may not like this semester, but I’m one to make the most of my situations. I adapt quickly, and so I hope that things can work out at least in a couple of months, if not now. But i need sleep. Toodles.

_K.V._

I want to motivate myself
and feel things I’ve never let myself feel before
one foot in front of the other, and
and all these lonely steps lead me straight through
your open door.

If i can’t shout indecencies into my pillowcase
because I’ve got another eyelash stuck in my eye
in the middle of the night amid efforts of falling asleep
and translating english lullabies into three foreign tongues
I’ll be damned..
I’ve never felt so awake, in the still of the night…

Three lions bid me adieu over seas of novelty
their manes graze the water as they drink
they say their goodbyes; their pink toungues
lap at the tops of my feet as I paddle the boat
out, and away, to where, I do not know
the crickets chirp directions to me,
audio constellations
adios indignation.

—————————–
*for the record, i’m tired and don’t even know what all  that means. I think I’m heading to bed, because, clearly, I should.

Okay, so… School  starts in a matter of days, I’ve been picking up the kanji review rather slowly, but it’s better than nothing. My boyfriend’s summer officially ends tomorrow at noon, when his grandmother returns from my motherland, Bulgaria.
All in all, I’d have to say, this summer was pretty dull. I didn’t go to the beach YET. This may contradict my last post, but who gives? I am not excited about school, because I hate my schedule. There two very crucial changes I had to make, and I cannot do anything about them, because I have yet to pay for my summer courses, resulting in a ’stop’ that is still on my record. I’d like to swtich the days of my english class, and would very much like to ‘dip out’ of my Saturday course, because it’s in the middle of work time. :\

My monthly metrocard only lasts for a few more days, and my mom should be taking care of that. Aw shit, I just realized I have the funds for that mini scholarship availabe to use. I’ll use that to pay off the summer bill! Oh sweet lawd! We’ll see if that’ll works, sucks I might not make it to Hunter early enough to then head back to The Bronx, for two appointments. We’ll see.

But I must go to sleep, gotta readjust my body to ‘academic time’. LOL.
Nite!

_K.V._

is dwindling down to an end soon, and looking back on the past month and a half, I have  to say my summer wan’t great by any measure but it wasn’t horrible…haven’t gotten terribly sick (not that I ever really do), didn’t sustain any major injuries. I did get to make a few cool friends and have bonded with my coworkers, who are really just friends at this point. I have  improved upon my Bulgarian, which I am rather proud of, but I have kind of pushed Japanese to the side and must pay the price when the semester resumes in oh, about 12 days. Looks like I must start the review process now….saving a day for every chapter of our first Japanese textbook and skimming through the first two chapters of the second book for my intermediate class. Time to make flashcards again for kanji…Oh man, oh man. Time to pull out all the stops. For every hour of Bulgarian I study, I must do one and a half  to two times that in Japanese. That’s my goal.

Speaking of goals, I obviously forgot to maintain my pedometer tracking. I did write them down though, but that paper went who knows where, I did fall short of my goals for a few days out of the week, but I think I more than made up for it on my first day of jury duty, where my mother purposely failed to give me additional transportation money to get to work from the courthouse and so I took it upon myself to walk from the Bronx, over a bridge, into Manhattan, covering about 7 miles on foot in a matter of a couple hours. That, my friends, is how much I love my “job.”

Summer classes were fun, and I got into a little financial bind concerning that…I had spoken to the chairs of the major departments in which I have chosen to specialize–English and Political Science–and Poli Sci, my 2nd major, forced me to declare that as my first, and because the requirements were  to change, I could not declare English: Creative Writing until September, except I had already filled out all paperwork with Poli Sci listend second, leaving me with no primary major. I thought I could adjust everything  once the semester started and all staff had their normal office hours, and advisors were in on a regular basis. Problem was, I needed to have declared a major, any major before my 60th credit, and my summer classes brought my attained credits to 61, without my being aware. This resulted in all financial aid for the summer (only reason I could take any classes,  nevermind  2) being taken away, and a bill being mailed to my house for $1200. BUT — I fixed things, and all changes should be recorded on file by the middle of this coming week.

This summer had its fine points, hanging out with friends, especially for birthdays, and my birthday was okay, though I had to celebrate it a couple of times because I just have too many different groups of friends. My favorite b-day celebration was hanging out with my best friend, Ben and going to a vegetarian restaurant I picked out. So delicious! — we’ve made plans to go back again before school starts! Didn’t get to go to any real shows  this summer, I was really pushing to go see WretcheD, but it seems they play too late, or too far downtown and  I haven’t made plans to crash at anyone’s  house, or something. There’s always something.

Relationship arena is okay, could be better, but I guess it always could be. There’s such a contrast between this one and the first. And though that isn’t a bad thing, I always feel like I’m comparing, comparing, comparing, and having expectations, and then not having them met, which doesn’t necessarily disappoint me — because after all, I AM dating someone else, and I’ve changed myself since my last relationship, but sometimes there’s a disconnect, and by this I mean that yes, we are friends, and we are dating, but I’m not so sure it’s okay to feel otherwise. Of course he should be my friend first and foremost, then my boyfriend, but is it okay that sometimes I feel like we’re not together? I think not. But am I framing my definition of what ‘together’ looks like based on previous relations? It’s unfortunate that this is a terribly sensitive topic for our dynamic given our romantic past, but I may have to bring this up at one point or another..It would make it the 3rd time or so that one or both  of us has felt ‘disconnected’..bleh. Relationships are strange.

This summer has been great  in terms of physical fitness, I’ve been walking tons, jogging a few times a week without cramping up, and  I’ve been eating pretty well. Still not drinking enough water as I should be, shame on me. Family relations  are same-ol’ same-ol’, nothing interesting ever really happens  here and these are not my favorite people to be around, but I guess I’m still grateful that 3/4 of my household is here. My little nephew is getting so big, and he’s so smart for his age! He’s a great kid.

Now as I look forward to the fall, I hope I make lots of new friends and  grow closer to the ones I already have. I think I’d go crazy if I didn’t know the people  that I do. I am gonna make dean’s list again, I know it. And I’m praying to have a great prof for a Saturday class I will be taking if I can’t transfer out of it in exchange for another class. But I think that is all the thinking I will be doing in regard  to school. The rest can wait until I’m actually back. haha.

_K.V._

Oh how I love this place (in Astoria). Today I went there with my boyfriend and instead of shopping for real food, all he did was buy 25 bucks worth of sugary sweets, minus the carbonated water. Horrible.

I have to go back there when I have spending money (there’s way tooo many things I want to buy) in order to buy phyllo dough that I need to make a zucchini and feta pie I’m scared to buy the wrong size though…(its like buying pasta) I’m not sure how thick a crust I should be making.

There’s also this new Milka bar that I want to try, (Milka is the greatest) It’s like chocolate+chili….I want to see how the tastes mesh together, and though I imagine it’s splendid, there’s also some recipes I’ve been wanting to try that require baking chocolate and chili powder and so I want to see if I like it first.

I also love this place because the neighborhood is Greek, and they always play beautiful Greek music when I go there. (If you’ve never heard it, you must.) That, and they have Bulgarian food and drinks, but especially candy…I also am not as lost, because even though I don’tknow many ingredients, I can read em, haha. So far I can decipher Bulgarian, Russian, and Greek food labels. Good enough, no?

Check it out for yourself (and yes all the comments about the beer selection are true. First stop for me when I’m 21..I’ve already seen some drinks I want!:  http://www.yelp.com/biz/euro-market-astoria

On another note, I did better with walking today than yesterday. Right now, I measure in at 11,400. Not bad, not bad. My legs look great, and I’m so happy. I really do need a full length mirror at home though. I have to stand on my mom’s bed if I want to see my legs, but then I can’t see my entire body, which sucks.

I’d write more, but I’ve got work in the morning and my train isn’t running by my house for the next couple of weekends, which means I have to wake up even earlier. Great. At least I’ll be walking to a train station that is further away, which means I’ll get my steps in!!

_K.V._

todays pedometer: 3488.

horrid, I know. I’ll compensate whenI can, at least I overshot the previous couple days.

nite nite.

in the relationship is hard for a submissive person like me.
It’s nice to have the upper hand in discussions for once, but I can’t do this all the time.
Dominance, like submission, is a lifestyle. I’m somewhere in the middle with this guy.
Like even if I were the dominant type, I think my entire character (beyond that which is expressed in the dynamic of relationships) is just so laid back, that it would feel weird ANYWAY.
Relationships are for crazy people.

At least we straightened a few things out.
Now where does the love come in?

Day three with Mr. pedometer: 15,030.
gangsta.
My average for all three days thus far: 12,981.33 steps. That’s almost 6 and a half miles of walking I do a day. At least on a summer day. When I’m taking five classes in fall, the numbers should be different. But let’s not harp on that…I actually feel really good, having a number to refer to that shows my health and progress thereof in the tiniest sense.
I actually thought I was going to fall way short of the 10,000 mark, because I had to study for my life agent license. So then I walked to work in order to compensate — from 68th and Lexington, to 34th and 8th. In shoes. Twas a great day for walking, and I’m glad I did. But tomorrow I may actually be locking myself in the library. I’ll be happy if I reach 7,500. nite nite!

_K.V._