Life
has a funny way of making you reminding you that you are human. You think for a certain length of time that you are superman, that you have everything under wraps, and then things go all topsy-turvy and you don’t know which way is up, and you fight with yourself and try to make the best of the current order of things. All of this, while the people around you seem like the sharpest tools in the shed. It’s almost like life’s telling you: “You aren’t hot shit, get over yourself fast.”
I feel something like this now. Not exactly, but close. One of my most treasured possessions is my college transcript. I know that sounds super lame, and perhaps to some, it’s nothing special. I like to think that at least for me personally, it’s a lot more symbolic than anyone else might give it credit for. At the same time, right now, it doesn’t seem like my performance this semester will do it any justice. Last semester I did superb, pulled straight A’s practically out of my ass, and I thought I could do it again this time. I know I can indeed…none of my classes are amazingly difficult, but I just don’t feel like the drive or the stamina is there. I want to catch myself before things become irreversably messy in school.
I only have a couple semesters left after this if I plan things correctly, and of course I want to go out with a bang. But I feel like I’ve run out of bang. I guess this is why junior year is difficult. I wouldn’t say that I have been terribly social, but nor have I given my academics 100%. I mean this semester I am also working again, but my hours aren’t too insane and are actually extremely flexible. I just can’t seem to find the will to do the work to the best of my capability. I am getting by, even turning in assignments late because I know that right now they have little bearing on my grade. I have to remember the semester is cumulative. I can’t miss 5 assignments and expect an A. This is something I need to snap out of. I can pull through this semester and still do fantastic, I just have to put my mind to my work at its hardest when it matters, and when it is easily distracted. There are millions of things I could do other than doing homework and studying outside of class, but I think I just have to keep in mind my priorites, my post-graduation plans, and what exactly it is that I’m working towards. I’m not one of those people who has everything all planned out, and feels like the world is over if things change, but for now I have a pretty solid idea of where I want to be headed.
I need to remind myself that the work I have to do now is nothing like the real world and this this is just some high grade conditioning. I don’t think anyone can push you as hard as you can push yourself. Your mentality, if it is negative, can be your worst enemy, but if you have a clear head on your shoulders, I think there is a lot left to be accomplished. I hope to give myself that nudge very, very soon.
_K.V._
